Sailor Moondrop
by ABANG CHANG
Summary: She isn't fighting evil by moonlight. She should be. But she's not.
1. Episode 101

**Sailor Moondrop**

**Episode 101: Destiny Reborn! The Flower Princess is Revealed?**

"She must be here… the book wouldn't lie…"

Barley readjusted his reading glasses and scratched his head. He had been meditating at the peak of Mother's Hill for perhaps the past three hours, yet he felt no more enlightened than when he had started. Carefully, he closed the book in his lap and sighed… he was no close to finding the Flower Princess than when he had started his search thirty years prior.

The elderly patron crossed the rickety wooden bridge with care - it had been that way for years now! No one had thought to repair it, though, so it was on its last legs. The wind blew the crossing precariously, and Barley stopped several times to regain his footing…

As he did so, Barley heard a noise in the distance, not unlike the giggling of a child.

Quietly first, then louder and more rapidly. At first, he chalked it up to the ebb of the river below. However, as it became more and more high-pitched and annoying, Barley felt compelled to trace its source. He followed the unmelodic echoing through a trail of dirt and trees until he finally located the culprit: Popuri was rolling mindlessly around in a bed of flowers, laughing her head off.

"Popuri?" he asked quizzically, cocking his head.

The pink-haired ingénue looked up, startled; her eyes were rife with horror. "Oh my God! That thing just talked! Help! Help! Somebody, please, help!"

"Shh! Popuri! It's just me, Barley!" His expression of surprise suddenly turned to one of concern. "You should come back to your family, you know. It's been three days… they're getting worried." Popuri's face showed her alarm - she simply explained that she had come up to the hill last Wednesday to roll around in the flowers but simply lost track of time. "But for three days? I mean… you didn't notice the sun rising and setting, or anything?"

"It's easy to lose track of things when I'm with the flowers," Popuri smiled apologetically. Barley shook his head, and accidentally dropped his book. "Ooo! A book! I never learned how to read because Momma said that girls are supposed to be pretty or pregnant at all times, and not smart. I dunno… Mary is pretty smart, and Elli too, and Ann isn't that pretty and as far as I know, she's not pregnant, so…" The girl trailed off when a cloud caught her eye.

"Yes," Barley smiled, condescending to the girl as best he could. "That's very special. You should be an astronaut when you grow up."

"I'm twenty-five," Popuri responded with a polite smile, and Barley shuddered.

"Yes, well… I thought you had just hit puberty early. Ahem. Anyways, I must be going, and…" He was interrupted with a high-pitched "Whatcha readin'?" from the girl with whom he had been conversing. "Oh, I'm just studying up on my folklore. The story of the Flower Princess, you know?"

Popuri replied that she didn't. In response, Barley handed her a purple flower. "Ooo, pretty! But what's this for?"

"Well, it goes like this…

"Once upon a time, long ago in a small village not unlike this one, there was a flower princess. She was said to be the most beautiful girl in the land, with silky pink locks and giant, scary red eyes. Likewise, her mother, the queen, bore a similar appearance. She had four very special friends - the royal nurse, the royal scholar, the girl who took care of the palace's menagerie of animals, and the village slut.

"It was said that the princess was in love with a boy from the next village, who always wore a purple bandanna. However, the Harvest Goddess was also in love with this boy, and she constantly gifted him to show her affections. He would wake up in the morning to find fresh milk, finely spun wool, and golden eggs on his doorstep. Sadly, however, he did not return the Goddess's affections and had eyes only for the Flower Princess.

"This made the Harvest Goddess furious, and she did everything she could to make life difficult for the princess. But with the help of her friends, known as the Mineral Senshi and possessing secret powers, the Flower Princess could easily vanquish the Goddess time and again. This continued for nearly a decade until the Goddess decided that something needed to be done. Finally, she used all of the energy at her disposal and attacked the palace in a grand sonic wave. The princess and her Senshi were killed instantly.

"The Harvest Goddess was delighted! Surely, she would have the boy in the purple bandanna to herself now! However, it was not to be, as he died of heartbreak, plummeting the Harvest Goddess into a depression. Her life force slowly drained until she finally used all of her remaining energy to bring the boy in the purple bandanna back to life. Unfortunately for the Goddess, though, in order to bring her love back to life, she would need to undo her own carnage and reincarnate the Flower Princess and her Mineral Senshi, and it could not be in the present: it would have to be several hundred years in the future.

"The dates coincide: by now, the princess, the Senshi, and the boy in the purple bandanna should all have been reborn. The Harvest Goddess has slowly been regaining her power for the past five hundred years, prepared to kill the Flower Princess whenever she recognizes her. It is my solemn duty to find the princess and warn her, so that she may prevent this carnage before it occurs. The only way I can track her is by using the flower I just gave you, which glows when it nears the princess. It's the last of its kind left on earth, and-"

He turned to see a guilty looking Popuri with a green stem sticking out of her mouth. She quickly slurped it into her mouth. "It got blown away in the wind," she said innocently, her eyes darting about. Barley buried his face in his palm. "But that's soooo sad! What will happen to the princess when you find her?"

"Well, if she can defeat the Harvest Goddess, things will continue as they are. However, if the Goddess triumphs, time itself will cease to exist! Moreover, the fate of the world will-" He was interrupted by more high-pitched giggling. Popuri was rolling manically around in the flowers again. "Forget it…"

-

"No! You left out the part where the Flower Princess was a stupid bitch! Bah!"

A clatter echoed across the cave behind the waterfall as the Harvest Goddess knocked her crystal ball off its stand, sending it flying across the room and nearly bowling over the small figure dressed in red. "Your Godliness, are you all right?"

"No, General Chef, I am not damn well alright," the furious deity snapped back. "I'm pissed off! The Flower Princess is in this village somewhere, and I want to know where she is! Why don't you know?"

"I've been trying to find her, Your Godliness, but that old man Barley keeps foiling my attempts! It's most vexing," the Harvest Sprite apologized, bowing.

"Shut your festering mouth or I'll use you as a tampon, you little twerp!" the Goddess bellowed, throwing an apple. It hit Chef between the eyes and made him cry. "Stop crying or I will murder you! You do not want to piss me off!" Her voice echoed in the silence.

"Hmm… I'm tired of that old coot meddling in my affairs. Something needs to be done about him. General Chef!" The Harvest Sprite flinched, expecting a beating, but none came. "I need you to create for me a Youma capable of disembowelling that old jerk. Posthaste."

"But Your Godliness, he's gotten the better of me so many times before, and-"

"I'll get the better of your ass, you premature Oompa Loompa! Now kill the old fossil or I'll make salsa out of your relatives!" The Goddess pulled out a puppy, prepared to throw it at the elf, but he was already gone.

"Oh my Me, you just can't get capable help these days…" she moaned, placing her head in her hand. "But it shouldn't be too hard to kill that relic; even Chef won't be able to screw it up. His bones are probably dust by now anyways. What I need to concentrate on is finding the Princess, and in order to do so, I will need to get energy… hmmm…"

Her scheming was disguised by the rushing waterfall.

-

"Popuri! We have to go!" Barley ordered, his patience slowly draining away. He would normally have been at the bottom of the mountain three times already, but Popuri kept stopping to play in the river, or pick tulips, or try to catch birds with a butterfly net. She would then stuff them in her purse, which was now practically vibrating.

"But it's such a pretty day out! I just want to play for a little bit longer!" the pink-haired pixie bubbled. Barley sternly reminded her that she had been out here for going on four days now. "Right! Each one more beautiful than the last! If I leave now, the rapture might come and I'd be indoors, and I wouldn't ascend to heaven! Why do you want me to go to hell, Barley?" The girl began to sob. "I can't believe I ever loved you!"

"Uh… hm…" The old man was lost for a response, but he needed give one. Popuri was back skipping through the flowers and slamming her bird-filled purse against trees to knock down squirrels.

"Popuri!" he yelled, and she stopped cold, tears in her eyes. "We need to leave! The sun is going to set soon!"

"Fine, but can I just pick one more flower?" she begged. He begrudgingly consented, and she began to scan the mountainside for the perfect bud. Her eyes set upon one that seemed to pulsate with red energy. "Oo, that one looks like a dandy!" She skipped up to it and plucked its head, and a low rumbling began to shake the earth.

"Wh- what's going on?" Popuri stammered, falling on her backside and edging away from the flower, which seemed to be growing in front of her. She couldn't resist, though, and put her face close to it.

"Popuri, watch out!"

Barley dove to save her, just as the giant monster burst out of the ground. It wrapped its tendrils around the old man and held him up in the air. The Youma - Floricon was its name - was an ugly creature, which seemed to mimic a flower. It had long slender leaves, roots at its base, and a horrible face covered in thorns. It drooled acid.

"That's not pretty! That's not pretty at all!" she cried. The monster laughed a booming roar, and raised Barley to its lips. "Drop him! Drop hiiiim! Stupiiiiid!" She ran up to the flower and opened her purse, sending a cascade of doves toward it. It roared in dismay and swatted Popuri away, dropping Barley in the process.

"Aiiieee!" Popuri went flying back, landing hard on her side. She began to cry. "You hit me! Why did you hit me?" As she sobbed, Barley noticed from his spot behind the tree a peculiar golden mark forming on her forehead.

It looked like a daisy…

"She couldn't be…"

But she was.

"Popuri, get out of the way!" The old man knocked her out of the way once again as a stream of acid eroded the very grass on which she was sitting. He quickly pulled her into the wilderness. "We can hide here, just keep it down." Popuri shrieked very loudly and a tree in front of them burned down. Barley found a new hiding spot and continued.

"Now, I don't want you to be alarmed by what I'm about to, but I believe that you are the incarnation of the Mineral Senshi."

"What? But they're a story! Stories can't be real!" Popuri gasped.

"Biographies are r-"

"Stories can't be real!" she insisted.

"What about newspaper artic-"

"Never!" Popuri yelled. The Youma burned down another tree and Popuri began to cry.

"Keep it down! I believe that you are the flower Senshi, Sailor Moondrop, with the power to command flowers," Barley clarified.

"Pretty crappy power if you ask me," Popuri replied.

"I didn't," Barley hissed, clenching his fist.

"I'm Sailor Moondrop. You should value my opinion," the pink-hair smiled smugly. Her companion had to visibly restrain himself from punching her in the face. "Anyways, how do you know I'm this Sailor Moondrop person? How do you know that flowers aren't just naturally attracted to my beauty?" She batted her eyelashes and pushed up her hair.

"No, that's definitely not it," the old man replied, earning a frown from Popuri. "You have the mark of Moondrop on your forehead. Here, I have something for you… somewhere…" He rummaged through his rucksack before coming up with a small metal rod with a flower atop it. "This is your henshin stick. It will transform you into Sailor M- wait, what are you doing!"

Popuri angrily hurled the rod at Floricon's head. "Take that, you bastard!" she yelled, then turned smiling to Barley. "Did you see that? I got him right in the cheek! I could get to like this superhero stuff!" The owner of the Yodel Ranch shook his head grimly.

"Go get the henshin stick, you moron. You need it to change into Sailor Moondrop."

"But you just said I was already-"

Floricon knocked the final tree out of the way and towered above the helpless pair. "Raaaar!" it raaaar!ed, its tentacles flailing wildly as it began to release a cloud of spores into the air.

"It's no use… the spores… are…" Barley yawned. "I'm… I cant… hold… my head…"

Suddenly, a moon drop flower cut through the cloud of spores and stuck into the ground. Floricon roared in confusion. "Unhand those two, vile Youma, or feel the wrath of my moondrop flower!" Barley and Popuri cocked their heads to find the source of the voice.

"Who are you?" Popuri squealed.

"I am… Tuxedo Bandanna!" the dark-skinned young man replied simply. He was true to his name, wearing a purple tuxedo and matching bandanna, with a pair of black cat-eye glasses concealing his identity, although he was clearly Kai from the Snack Shop. "I am here to stop this Youma from-" He was cut off abruptly as Floricon launched a volley of acid at him, knocking him off the cliff on which he stood and sending him plummeting to the ground several hundred feet below.

"Tuxedo Bandanna!" Popuri shrieked in terror.

"Now's your chance! Grab the henshin stick while the Youma is distracted!" Barley instructed, and Popuri quickly scampered along while Floricon recharged its spore attack. She grabbed the wand and asked for further instructions. "Now say, 'Moondrop Mineral Power, Make-Up!'"

"Bananaface Super Mineral Power, Make-Up!" A ray of pink light enveloped Popuri as several sakura flowers and cherry blossoms danced around her face. A wave of fuchsia orbed out from the end of her henshin stick, giving her body a pleasant tingly feeling. It stopped as suddenly as it started, and there, in her pink _sera-fuku_, was Sailor Moondrop, or…

"Sailor Bananaface!" the Senshi shrieked in glee.

"No, no! Not Bananaface! Sailor Moondrop!" Barley yelled.

"Your way is boring. My way is sparkly," Sailor Bananaface giggled.

"But you were destined to bear the name of Sailor Moondrop!" the old man moaned.

"You were destined to shut up!" Popuri retorted happily. "Score one for Popuri! Is that one of my awesome new superpowers? A super-quick wit?"

"Would you just kill the Youma?" groaned Barley, thinking that if it would be this difficult with all of the Senshi he should just join a travelling circus and escape the whole mess.

"Would your _mom_ just kill the Youma?" Bananaface barbed. "Oh! Oh! Score another one for the hot chick in the short skirt! Although… you're really old. Your mom has probably been dead for thousands of years." Tears began to well up in her eyes. "That's sooo sad. My mom is sick, too. C'mere, gimme a hug." Floricon sent a thorn flying at her, knocking her off her balance. "Oh, right, the monster. I'll use my punching!"

She ran up beside the Youma and hit it in the side, causing no effect whatsoever. "It's not working!" the heroine cried. "I thought you said I was a superhero! Why are you lying!"

"Wait!" Barley yelled. "The clouds are blocking out the sun. The Youma should be weakened by the lack of photosynthesis. In order to kill it, you need to use your Flower Power Attack!" Popuri nodded. She raised her hand in the air.

"Flower Power Pretty Petal Extreme Love and Beauty Panic Attack!" the flower maiden hollered, as Barley began to fashion a noose out of stray blades of grass. Lilies and daffodils began floating around her head and developing razor points on their petals before flying haphazardly at the Youma and piercing its thick skin.

"I think it's dying!" Popuri yelled as the beast began to wobble, tumble, and fall to the ground. It then disappeared completely, leaving only a seed as evidence that it ever existed. "Woo! Victory to Bananaface! This shit is BANANAS, B-A"

"Stop talking!" Barley screamed, going red in the face. Both he and Popuri were taken aback. "Now, you need to transform out of your Sailor Moondrop disguise, and I'll tell you more when we get back to my house."

-

"Chef, your stupid flower thing died in twenty minutes!"

The Harvest Goddess throw a thick rock at the Harvest Sprite, striking him the nose and making his entire face bleed.

"Your Godliness, please try to understand-" he spluttered through mouthfuls of blood.

"Shut up! Barley is still alive, Tuxedo Bandanna was nearly killed, and we're no closer to finding out who the Flower Princess is. And now, I have that idiot Sailor Bananaface to deal with! You suck!" the Goddess shrieked, causing a small typhoon somewhere in Europe.

"The next plan will not fail," Chef insisted, wiping the blood off his face with a napkin.

"Oh? What's the next plan? Are you going to come up with some sort of stupid tree Youma?" the Goddess snapped back sarcastically.

"I'm not that stupid," Chef replied indignantly, thinking quickly to come up with another plan to replace the tree Youma. "According to our research, there are five young women in Mineral Town who could be the Flower Princess. After today, that number has been narrowed down to four, because there's no way that idiot with the pink hair is the princess."

"So exactly what do you plan to do about it?" the bitchy deity inquired.

"I plan to target each girl individually in the area in which they are most likely to be found, and use that information to-"

"Could you give me the condensed version, you dribbling pantywaste? I can feel the milk expiring in my breasts," the Goddess hissed. Chef began to cry.

"You don't have to be so mean, Your Godliness," the red elf cried. The Goddess proceeded to rip his leg off and beat him with it until he lost consciousness.

"This is your last chance, Chef," she bellowed to the sprite's unconscious body. "If you screw up just once more…" She chuckled evilly.

"Princess, you will be mine…"

-

"Hey, Kai!" Popuri greeted her friend sunnily as she entered the Snack Shack and pulled up a bar stool. The pair flirted on and off, but nothing had ever been set in stone as far as a romantic relationship.

"Hey, Po," said Kai, turning around to a gasp from Popuri. He was in bad condition - his arm was in a sling, his head was wrapped in a bandage, he was missing several teeth and he had a black eye. "What'll it be today?"

"What happened to you, Kai? Are you alright?" the girl from the chicken farm asked with concern.

"I'm fine. I just fell off a cliff this weekend," the restaurateur replied candidly, and a light went off in Popuri's head. She asked how it happened.

"Oh, a giant flower monster knocked me off with acid."

Popuri arched her eyebrows suspiciously…

"No, it couldn't be," Popuri said, shaking her head and ridding herself of the thought. "I'll take a milkshake."

-

**END**

-

**End Credits: Thanks for reading, y'all. This is a new venture in which Apple Goddess and I shall be partaking - this episode was written by yours truly, but look forward to episodes written by A.G. in the near future.**

Obviously, this is far less subtle than most of my writing and way more over-the-top, which is kind of what I like about it. Also note that this is based on the _Japanese Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon_ as opposed to the American DiC / Cloverway dub, though most of the jokes remain the same in translation. Popuri's an idiot just like Usagi, so it works.

Look forward to the next episode: **Episode 102: A Youma in the Library? The Second Senshi Appears!**

-QW


	2. Episode 102

**Sailor Moondrop**

**Episode 102: A Youma in the Library? The Second Senshi Appears!**

"So how do we know when we've found the Flower Princess…?"

Popuri was sitting at a small round dinette table in Barley's home, snacking on rice balls and green tea. "We'll just know," the elder replied. "We would have that flower to go by, but…"

"Yeah, sorry about that," shrugged Popuri. "It just looked so delicious, and… it tasted like purple." The girl shuddered.

"It tasted like purple?" Barley asked.

"Yeah… It was bad. I wish it tasted like red. Red tastes like happy. Purple tastes like sad." Popuri gave a big frown.

"Purple tastes like… look," Barley muttered, obviously irritated. "The sooner we find the Flower Princess and the other Senshi, the better. Sadly, as it is, we have no way to know where to search."

"Why don't we just wait for the enemy to attack and then just follow them wherever they go?" Popuri shrugged. "It seems like the obvious and best solution. See, when you're a superhero like me, these things just come together." Making a contented noise, she leaned back in her chair and placed her feet on the table, her right heel landing in a cup of green tea. "Ah! Ah! Hot! Hot! Barley, you said superheroes couldn't be scalded! Why did you lie?"

"I never said that at all," the old man sighed.

"Stop lying!" Popuri sobbed.

"Anyways, we do have one way to find out if someone is out of the ordinary," Barley admitted. "I have a sensor that detects peculiar energy being emitted from a specific area or person. However, I won't be able to tell whether the energy is good, or evil."

"So, if we find energy, we'll know we've found something, but we won't know what we've found?" Barley nodded. "Then what the heck is the point, exactly? I mean… it seems pretty stupid. You're the worst old person ever."

"I'd remind you that you're drinking my tea and eating my cookies and you're a guest in my home, Popuri," he replied somewhat irately.

"Mhm, well, I'm Sailor Moondrop. If you're not nice to me, I could blast you in the face with like… a moon drop or something. So behave." She triumphantly gulped her tea, which was still steaming, so she burned the back of her throat. "Ow! Barley! It burns! Do something!"

He shook his head.

-

"Chef… I trust that you have something good to tell me?" the Harvest Goddess smiled coquettishly as she looked down on her subordinate.

"Not exactly, but-"

"Why the hell not?" The Goddess pulled out a bowie knife and hurled it at Chef, catching his tunic and pinning him to the ground. "You've got one minute to tell me something that will make me climax in joy, or I'll use your face to scrub my toilet."

"We believe we've found the Flower Princess!" the one-legged red elf blurted, bringing a smile to the lips of his superior.

"Well, that is _certainly_ good news. I might even reconsider killing you based on this turn of events," she said breathily. The deity brought her tented fingers close to her face. "Out with it. Who's the Princess?"

"Well, Your Godliness, we've tracked the strange energy down to five different girls. Having already eliminated the possibility that it's the daft Sailor Bananaface, I've calculated that the next most likely candidate to bear the mantle of the Princess is a young librarian named Mary," the sprite announced, and the Goddess chuckled.

"Am I to assume that this librarian has not yet been informed of her destiny?" The dwarf shook his head rapidly, and the Harvest Goddess took on an expression of utmost seriousness. "This… Mary needs to die before that decrepit old skeleton Barley gets the opportunity to talk to her. I assume you've whipped up a Youma for the occasion?"

"I have, but…" He hesitated to speak, but then went ahead with it. "Your Godliness, not to question Your decisions… but wouldn't it be quicker and far more likely to succeed if you merely killed the girl yourself?"

"Probably," the Goddess replied, "but that would involve getting up and doing things, and I far prefer for success to just fall into my lap through no actual work of my own. Now go plant a Youma in the library or I'll beat you to death with a sock full of quarters."

Chef hobbled away as quickly as one leg could carry him.

-

The little bell on the library door jingled, signifying a new customer. It wasn't an unfamiliar noise to the proprietor of the only such establishment in Mineral Town - Mary looked up at the door to see who was entering. After all, she only had a handful of regulars: her father, Basil, who would occasionally retrieve his own tomes on botany, the Mayor, who often got lost trying to find his way to the supermarket, and Gray.

Mary let out a dreamy sigh.

"Mary, are you alright?" the boy in the blue ball cap asked, peering into the librarian's eyes, which had turned into giant pulsating red hearts. He scratched his head curiously, and the girl quickly shook off her affliction.

"Yes, I'm fine. How may I help you?" she smiled.

"Well, I needed a place to take my shirt off and do stretches, then make out with the nearest female to warm down." Mary's heart skipped a couple of beats. "I was wondering if you could provide me with a map to the inn."

"Oh…" A red blush crawled across her cheeks, and right there, the shy girl resolved herself that _today_ would finally be the day she confessed her unrequited love for the blacksmith's apprentice. "Gray-kun…"

"What is it, Mary?" the young man replied, his eyes glowing with what Mary mistook for like-minded emotions but what was actually complete disinterest.

"I… have something to tell you…" She looked down into the novel she was infamously writing, a graphic lemon starring Gray and a Mary-Sue, only without the Sue. "I… love-" Just as she was about to confess her feelings, she brought her hand up to Gray's face too quickly and poked Gray right in the eye.

"Ouch!" The man rubbed his eye under the ball cap. "What was that for? You love to poke me in the eye? Is that the huge confession?"

"No, no! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! What I meant to say was that…" She composed herself. "Gray… I…" It was poor coordination that led her to bring down her elbow on just the wrong part of the desk to knock a coffee mug off the desk and straight into Gray's goodie bag.

"Oh, _mercy_!" He doubled over and fell to the tile floor, much to Mary's consternation. She cursed herself for her clumsiness and rushed to his side.

"Gray! Gray, are you alright?" she near-shrieked. Composing himself, Gray grunted and barely managed to rise to his feet.

"I'm fine _now_, but I won't be if you don't get to the point soon!" the redhead barked, losing patience fairly quickly. Mary chattered and brought her hands to her mouth.

"I'm so sorry, it's just that-" She brought her hands out to take Gray's shoulders, but only managed to knock him backwards, sending him skidding into a bookshelf. It promptly collapsed and sent volumes A-Am through I-K of an encyclopaedia set crashing onto the boy's head.

"Oh, _GOD_!" Mary gasped. "Gray! Speak to me!" He grunted that he was alright, and the librarian pulled him up to his feet. "I'm sorry… I'd forgotten we just had the floors waxed. Here, lean on my shoulder." As the pair hobbled back over to the reception desk, the female half finally decided to spit it out. "Gray, I'm madly in love with y-" It was at that exact moment that she could no longer support his weight, sending him stumbling into the wall where the gun hanging there promptly shot him through the chest.

"FUCK!" The apprentice fell to the ground in agony, and Mary ran back to his side. "_WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP A LOADED GUN ON YOUR WALL_?" the victim demanded.

"It… it never gave us any trouble before this! Oh, Gray! Please, don't die." She propped her love interest up against the wall. "I realize now that I have to say this - Gray, I love y-"

A rhinoceros tore through the wall and impaled Gray on its horn.

"Okay, this is just getting ridiculous," Mary hissed, clearly losing her patience. At that point, she decided that maybe some things were better left unsaid, and hid Gray discreetly in the reference section.

-

"Hmm…"

Barley looked down at his patented Flowerbud Kingdom Energometer and noticed a series of rapidly arching lines. "There's some bizarre energy coming from this library…"

He looked up at the innocuous ivy covered building.

-

Mary was reading her erotic novel when she heard the door creak open. "Great timing," Mary muttered to herself as she looked up to see a small figure looking around mischievously. He wore a black trench coat and a top hat, along with a monocle, and a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. To emphasize his disguise, he blew bubbles from a bright orange pipe, obviously made for children. "May I help you?"

"Hello," the elf-like creature said with a tip of his hat. "My name is Sir Chef Cheffington. How do you do?" His voice had a thick British accent; one that was easy to distinguish as fake.

"I'm doing well, thank you for asking," the raven haired girl responded. The stranger's attire sparked her curiosity and Mary couldn't help but ask about it. "Say, you're not in disguise, are you?"

Chef's gaze shuffled from side to side. "No. Why would you think that?" He reached into a pocket and took out a pair of sequined cat eye glasses, which he swiftly moved in front of his face.

"No reason," Mary replied quickly. While Chef seemed harmless, she still had a nagging suspicion that wouldn't go away, so she decided to address it. "I was just wondering… you're not one of those evil Harvest Sprites, are you?"

"M-me?" Chef stuttered, "No, of course not."

"So you're not going to turn one of my books into a youma?" The librarian questioned, to which the sprite shook his head. "All right, you're free to look around. No one ever comes by anyway." Chef nodded sympathetically then retreated to the back of the library.

Mary was about to resume her reading when she heard the door open again. "Oh, who is it now?"

"So Barley, do you think we'll find another one of the Mineral Senshi in here?" Mary heard the loud sugary voice of a familiar pink haired girl. Popuri entered the library with her companion as she continued to talk, oblivious to the fact that Mary could hear every word. The flower girl wore a pink fuku and a pair of daisy earrings. "Maybe the royal nurse is here, or how about the village slut?"

Barley hushed Popuri with a wave of his hand. "It may not be a member of the Mineral Senshi at all, it might just be a youma." He advised her to remain discreet in case they were, in fact, dealing with a youma.

Mary looked at the duo strangely as they huddled in their corner whispering. "Can I help you?"

Popuri took this opportunity to pounce on the librarian. "You're a no good youma!" She grabbed Mary's head and slammed it into the floor. "Well now you're dealing with Sailor Moondrop, so eat dust, youmahead!"

Mary struggled to get Popuri off of her but to no avail. "What are you talking about? I'm not a youma!"

"Oh yeah? I bet that's what they all say!" The pink haired girl had overpowered her opponent and was punching her repeatedly in the face. "Die! Die! Die! Why aren't you dead yet? Oh, I forgot!" Popuri grabbed her wand and beat Mary over the head with it. "Pretty Flower Sunshine Happy Attack!"

Flower petals surrounded the two girls as Popuri continued to carry out her abuse. Popuri snatched the stapler off of Mary's desk and began stapling her hair to floor. "I bet you'll think twice before you deal with me again, wont you, youmabitch?"

Just as Popuri was about finish the unconscious girl off, she heard a rumbling sound. "What's that?" Suddenly, a book flew off the shelf and morphed into a giant monster. Each page became a hand and the book's cover formed a face. "Wait, if that's the youma then…" Popuri looked down at Mary's beaten body and blushed with embarrassment. "Oops, my bad!"

Barley, however, paid no mind to the youma, as he noticed a mark on the waking Mary's forehead.

"…Mary! On your forehead… the sign of Bookmark!"

The librarian touched her head and winced. "No, I'm pretty sure that's just a head wound from Popuri digging her nails into my scalp." Popuri flushed pink and wondered how Mary had recognized her through her disguise, even though she was basically just wearing new earrings and a shorter skirt.

"No, not that. It means you are the chosen Sailor Senshi, Sailor Bookmark!"

"Was she the slut?" Sailor Bananaface asked innocently. Barley gave her a disgusted look.

"Sailor Bookmark was the royal librarian, and it is said that along with super-intelligence, she possessed the ability to throw a book like none other in the Flower Kingdom. Mary, take this henshin wand and transform! Say 'Bookmark Power, Make Up'!"

Mary gave him and odd look and turned to Popuri. "So that thing talks?"

Barley twitched momentarily, then continued. "Popuri, prove it to her! Attack the youma with your powers!"

"Sure thing, Carmen!" Popuri hopped to her feet and raised her hand in the air. "Spongella... ATTACK!"

The youma, which had been patiently waiting as the threesome conversed, quickly readied itself for the blast that never came. Perhaps a cherry blossom or two blew by it as a bewildered Barley cried, "What the fuck is Spongella?"

"It's my best greatest attack ever!" whined Popuri. "And you ruined it! You ruin everything, Carmen, I hate you! I hate your face so hard!" The pinkhaired Senshi started to sob openly, confusing everybody present.

Finally, the youma'd had enough, and with a cry of "CHAPTINA!", it sent a blast of white liquid flying at the group.

"Oh, no! Papercut juice!" Barley yelled, and he quickly pulled the ladies out of harm's way as the froth melted the receptionist's desk. Mary called out in horror.

"My mom will kill me! Well... actually, this monster will probably kill me f-"

She was cut off by what appeared to be a dandelion hurling into her library's freshly waxed marble floor and leaving a thick crack. She began to weep.

"Tuxedo Bandanna!" cried Sailor Bananaface.

"Nothing to fear, ladies!" Tuxedo Bandanna appeared on the ledge of the second floor window. "Good always triumphs over evil and love conquers all." Mary recognized the man as the owner of the Snack Shack, Kai. "Hello Sailor Bookmark," he said, trying desperately to disguise his voice, "It is I, TUXEDO BANDANNA, here to save the day and-"

"Oh, shut up already!" Mary yelled, irritated by his nonsense. "None of this makes any sense, and I refuse to believe any of it!" She angrily threw a book at him, hitting him square in the jaw and knocking him out of the window. She heard him scream as he fell two stories and landed with a giant THUD.

"Oh wow," Barley marvelled, "Mary, clearly you ARE Sailor Bookmark. Only Sailor Bookmark can throw a book with that much accuracy and speed."

As if underscoring his words, Chaptina instantly grabbed a book and nailed Barley square in the forehead, putting him out of commission and leaving a huge crack in the glass of the library's grandfather clock.

Mary clenched her fists and seethed as she saw another piece of her beloved library reduced to rubble. "That tears it."

"BOOKMARK POWER, MAKE UP!"

Perky, upbeat music began pealing from an unknown source as Mary became nothing but a nude series of glowing lights and body lines, dancing around various mathematical equations as a series of green numbers twirled around her body, forming a sailor-fuku, gloves, a tiara, and cute little slingback pumps from Payless. Thus was born Sailor Bookmark.

"Hey! No glasses!" Bookmark smiled. "I can see!" She quickly disarmed the theory by walking straight into a coatrack. Her glasses had just been set down on the endtable until she de-transformed.

Chaptina roared and launched another bout of papercut juice at the girls, who jumped out of the way, Popuri landing clumsily on her ass. Mary raised a thick dictionary high in the air and began to twirl. "BOOKMARK..."

"...BLAST!"

Gray opened his eyes, regaining consciousness. "Huh? What's going on?" He crawled out from behind the bookcase just in time to see Sailor Bookmark nail the youma with a giant dictionary. "Oh wow," he muttered, amazed. "She's wonderful."

"Wow, I didn't think I could do that," Sailor Bookmark said, surprised that her attack had weakened the youma at all. It began to wobble like a drunk and make gurgling sounds.

"She's so strong and brave… and modest too," Gray said, hypnotized by the sight before him. He continued to gawk at her until a book fell and hit his head, knocking him unconscious once again.

Popuri giggled as she pushed Mary out of the way and mimicked a pose she saw on Charles Angels. "Prepare to die, you… evil book thing!" Waving her arms around wildly, Popuri screamed. "Desperate Flower-Eating Candy Attack!"

Dozens of flowers appearing from out of nowhere flew at the youma, slicing its pages and destroying the evil monster. "Yay! Once again the day is saved thanks to Sailor Bananaface!"

Their victory celebration was short-lived. The girls quickly detransformed as they saw Gray coming to.

Mary grabbed her glasses and ran to Gray's unconscious body and kneeled by his side. "Gray," She nudged him softly. "Wake up, Gray. Everything is fine now."

The blacksmith opened his eyes to Mary's smiling face. The view comforted the young boy. "Oh Mary…" he began, breathlessly. "You missed Sailor Bookmark. She was so amazing. She saved me from this evil book monster…"

Mary cocked her eyebrow and grinned. "Well, I'm glad to see you're all right." Patting his head softly, the librarian continued. "Now… there's something I want to ask you." Mary hesitated for a moment, glancing around nervously. After the long and hectic day she'd endured, Mary was finally going to ask him. "Will you go out with me?"

Awkward silence followed Mary's question. Gray pushed himself up and looked Mary in the eye. He sighed. "Mary, if only you'd asked sooner." The redhead frowned. "My heart belongs to another now. Sailor Bookmark is more than my saviour, Mary, she's my soul mate."

Mary stiffened, put off by his comment. "And you know this from one encounter?"

Gray shook his head furiously. "No, it's not like that!" He looked off into the distance dreamily. "We shared a connection. She looked into the depths of my soul and I looked into hers. It was magical." Mary blinked awkwardly, she hadn't realized the impact Sailor Bookmark would have on Gray. "From now on, I will devote my life to her. I will worship her every minute of the day and build a shrine for her. I'll even try to get a lock of her hair."

"Don't you think you're taking this a little far?" Mary asked, concerned.

Gray slammed his fist into the floorboards. "You don't get it, Mary, and why would you? You're just like everyone else! You're going to try to sabotage this, aren't you? You're going to try to stop me from loving her, Mary! Why don't you want me to be happy?" He started sobbing. "You don't understand what we have, it's sacred. But Sailor Bookmark knows. SHE understands."

Mary patted her friend's shoulder. "Calm down a little, okay?"

Gray wiped his tears. "I'm sorry. I just… I love her so much. I want to be with her." Mary felt a twinge of jealousy. She wanted to scream that she was Sailor Bookmark and that he should be worshipping her, but she stopped herself. Gray looked at Mary with a pained expression on his face. "I hope she knows how much I love her."

"She's a lucky girl," Mary said bitterly. She paused briefly before going on. "Gray, what would you say if I told you that I was Sailor Bookmark?"

Gray broke into laughter, slapping his knee. "Oh Mary, you're so funny. You know just what to say to make me feel better. You have glasses, Sailor Bookmark doesn't."

Popuri laughed cluelessly. "Silly Mary!"

Mary sighed, and began to laugh as well so as not to blow her cover. And so we fade out on this scene, as the three youths shared a laugh in a destroyed library with monster excrement all over the walls, and an unconscious senior citizen slowly bleeding to death behind the remains of the reception desk.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

-

**END**

-

**End Credits:** Yes, we know it's August.

QW here, though this was a joint production between AppleGoddess and I. 50/50. So the love gets spread equally. nudge

Mary and Gray join our cast of the insane this chapter, as an obvious Ami and… that dude from the first season Ami dated for two episodes then never saw again. I hated that guy. Gray will hopefully have more longevity, though.

Thanks to y'all for the positive reviews, and get ready for **Episode 103: Won Sells Poisoned Apples? Clearly Evil Salesman**. Now, you review. shifty eyes

-QW


	3. Episode 103

**Sailor Moondrop**

**Episode 103: Won Sells Poisoned Apples! Clearly Evil Salesman**

Popuri skipped merrily down the streets of Mineral Town. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and Popuri was enjoying her week off. As she passed the Yodel Ranch, she saw a familiar face waiting outside the door. "Hey Mary!" Popuri called to the librarian in her usual cheery tone.

"Hey Popuri," Mary replied. "You don't happen to know where Barley is, do you? I haven't seen him all week."

Popuri placed a hand on her hip and thought for a moment. "Barley… Barley… Oh! You mean the old guy that follows us around?" Mary, stunned by Popuri's question, simply nodded. "I had him sent off to a home in the city. You should have seen the fight he put up."

Mary's jaw dropped. "Why would you do something like that? We need him here! We still haven't found the rest of the Mineral Senshi and…"

"It's okay," the pink-haired girl giggled, "Mary, he's in a better place. He can chase bunnies now. Plus, I had him sent first class mail."

Mary shook her head. "Popuri… you don't seem to understand the severity of this. Without Barley, we're hopeless."

"I'm sure he'll be back in a few days," Popuri reasoned, "he's like the herpes. Until then, let's just enjoy the vacation! Hey, look!"

Popuri pointed at Won, the mysterious travelling salesman. He had a booth set up, with barrels of apples sitting behind him. "I wonder what he's selling," the flower girl asked her friend. The girls approached his stand, where Popuri asked Won what he was selling this time.

"Apples!" the mysterious travelling salesman squealed enthusiastically. "And they're free!"

Mary looked at the pile of apples behind him and knew something was off. The fact that the apples were dripping acid and melting the barrels only validated her suspicion. "I don't know… this whole thing seems kind of sketchy. Where exactly did you get these apples, Won the mysterious travelling salesman?"

They were interrupted by Stu, Elli's younger brother, who wanted an apple. Won grinned widely and handed the small boy a bright red apple. "Thank you, come again!" The boy smiled and waved before trotting off. "See, there's nothing sketchy about this. I'm just running a business here." As soon as the words escaped his lips, a giant THUD was heard. The girls turned around to see Stu's unconscious body on the ground, his bitten apple still in his hand.

Mary's eyes widened in horror, "Popuri, I think we should leave…"

Popuri giggled. "Oh, silly Mary, we haven't gotten our apples yet!" The bubbly girl turned to Won. "We'll take two, please."

As Popuri slipped the fruit in her purse and walked away, Mary struggled to keep pace with the pink-haired idiot. "Popuri, I feel like this was a really bad idea. Those apples are bad news, and we should really keep an eye that salesman, Won."

"Won? Oh, Mary, he's not the Flower Princess! Gosh-lee, I never thought I'd have to be both the brains AND the rack of this operation." She stopped on her heel, lighting up as Mary crashed into her back. "Let's go to the inn! Maybe Ann can put these apples into a pie!"

As luck would have it, they were right in front of the inn; a large building that, like almost every building in Mineral Town, was inexplicably seven or eight times as big on the inside as it was on the outside. The Mayor was inside, getting wasted. A chronic alcoholic, heroin addict, and paedophile, Thomas was repeatedly re-elected due to the lack of opposition, and the fact that Mary was the only person in Mineral Town with enough sense to vote.

"Hi, Mr. Mayor!" Popuri bubbled, the "" implied at the end of her sentence, as always. The Mayor for his part, didn't look up from the baby he was drowning in a bowl of soup. Popuri smiled, content that he was busy signing laws to keep the homeless off the streets despite the obvious evidence he wasn't. "Let's grab a table, Mary!"

The pair chose a table right next to the bar. Almost immediately after they sat down, a redhead slammed the door to the kitchen open in a tizzy. "That's Ann," Popuri whispered to her companion.

"I know who Ann is," Mary whispered back.

"No," Popuri replied.

"…Yes," the librarian said, puzzled. "We went through school together."

"I'm pretty sure that was a different Ann. She's in jail now," Popuri whispered.

"Hi, Mary," Ann waved from the behind the bar.

"Oh, I didn't realize you two knew each other," Popuri smiled. "Anyways, we came to bring you some apples to put in a pie. Mary says their poisonous because Stu ate one and died, but maybe Stu's just allergic to apples. Or poison. Anyways, here." Popuri went to reach for her handbag, but it exploded just before she touched it, sending the chair it was sitting on flying out the window.

"It's the apples!" Mary explained. "I told you so!"

"Oh, Mary. You think _everything_ is a poisoned apple. Besides, I guess it was just my purse's time to go. I'll mourn her, though. Poor Popuri."

"Popuri?" Mary asked through an arched eyebrow. "You named your purse Popuri? Why?"

"Because I keep my tampons in it. Anyways, Ann, I thought we had apples for you, but I guess we don't. Still, could you go back into the kitchen and whip us up some soup? I'll pay you this time and everything."

"Now, Popuri, you tell me you'll pay me every time, and you never do," Ann scolded, wagging her finger playfully. "How do I know you're not lying this time?"

"I am. I never intend on paying you for this soup!" Popuri laughed. Ann grinned tightly and snapped a rubber band she wore against her wrist repeatedly.

"What are you doing?" Mary asked curiously. Ann replied that it was a technique her anger management coach had taught her. "Oh, I didn't realize you have an anger management coach."

"Had. She died. I murdered her in a fit of rage," Ann replied. Popuri and Mary both laughed at the joke, and, cued by the other two girls, Ann laughed as well, her eyes shifting back and forth nervously. She quickly made her way back to the kitchen.

"Hm. She seems… nice," Mary put delicately, at a loss for any other polite words. Her fellow Senshi nodded emphatically.

"Oh, totally. Here, watch this. Ann!" The redhead bustled back in with a smile at the call of her name.

"What is it, Popuri?" the barmaid grinned sweetly.

"May I have your mother's ashes?" the pinkhaired flower child asked with a bat of her gigantic eyelashes. Ann looked uneasy.

"But Popuri… they're all I have left of her."

"Oh," she replied with a huge, affected frown. "Sorry. I guess I thought you were really my friend. Looks like I was wrong…" Ann wore a look of conflict quickly replaced by a tight grin.

"No, no, your friendship means too much to me! Let me go get them!" The girl disappeared behind the kitchen door, and Popuri turned smugly to an appalled Mary, who had been left speechless. Moments later, Ann returned carrying a platter with a silver urn and a wooden bowl.

"Here you go. My… mother's ashes… and a bowl of lobster bisque, just for you, Popuri." In an instant, Popuri opened the urn and upended its contents into the bisque.

"Ann, your dead mother is in my soup. I demand a replacement meal at no charge." Mary's jaw dropped even further and Ann's smile got even tighter. "And bring us some good champagne; none of that crap from the Aja Winery. Now, get to it. I don't pay you for shitty service. In fact, I don't pay you at all." Popuri laughed gaily as Ann ran back into the kitchen, her face buried in the dishtowel. Mary was horrified.

"Popuri…" the librarian stammered, truly at a loss for words. "You're… you're horrible."

"Oh, come on, it's fun. You should try it! Ann!" Popuri called again, and the waitress returned again, her eyes red and puffy from crying. "Ann, be Mary's footrest."

"THAT'S ALRIGHT!" Mary said quickly as the girl moved to get on all fours. Uneasily, she got back up and asked if there would be anything else.

"My meal, you moron!" Popuri ordered, throwing a Faberge egg at Ann's head. She'd ordered it special from Bordeaux for just such an occasion. The pink poptart giggled and clapped her hands giddily as it smashed on the redhead's skull. At that moment, her boyfriend, Cliff, descended the staircase and laughed.

"And just what are you laughing at?" Ann asked, placing her hands on her hips.

"She totally nailed you. That was awesome," Cliff smirked.

"You're my boyfriend, you idiot! You're supposed to stick up for me!" Ann shouted, pushing the drifter slightly.

Mary looked concerned. "Maybe we should step in here, Popuri."

The waif merely laughed. "Oh, Mary, Ann's got it under control. She's a tough woman trying to make it in a man's world!"

"You motherfucker!" Ann shrieked, breaking a lamp across Cliff's face. He dropped to the ground in pain, and she kicked him repeatedly in the chest, fracturing several ribs. "I'll teach you fucking laugh at me!" She reached into her overalls and flipped out a pocketknife.

"Popuri!" Mary cried.

Popuri laughed again. "You don't get it, Mary. Ann is a spunky tomboy with a feminine side, and her zany antics are what endears her to us!"

"She's carving her initials in a man's face!" the librarian gaped, and Popuri smiled.

"Oh, _Ann_. You may act tough, but we know you have a heart of gold deep down inside!" the flower girl smiled, joyful tears brimming her eyes.

After Cliff was on the floor bleeding profusely from the face and missing two teeth that Ann had ripped from his head with her bare hands, the redhead turned back to the group and dusted off her blood-covered overalls. "Will you be needing anything else?"

"No, that's all for today," Popuri bubbled back. "I'd leave you a tip, but… you know."

"Mm. Well, I made you a 'goodbye' pie. Heat it in the microwave for a minute and a half," Ann smiled. "Bye, you two." Popuri smiled and led Mary out. The pair disappeared just as Mary saw Cliff mouth the words "help me" from the floor.

"Did I ask you to talk? DID I ASK YOU?" Ann shrieked. Cliff's agonized scream was only barely muffled by the inn's thin doors.

As the two girls stepped outside, Mary noticed Won, the mysterious travelling salesman back behind his booth. He appeared to be spraying his apples with water. "I wonder what he's up to." Her question was answered when the apples started growing rapidly. Mary gasped, "I knew he was trouble!"

Popuri looked confused. "Who's trouble?"

"WON, THE MYSTERIOUS TRAVELLING SALESMAN!" Mary shrieked, and as she said his name, intense background music started playing. "Wait… where is that coming from?"

"I don't know, but I like it. Don't you?" Popuri squealed. Mary coughed awkwardly, and Popuri caught on. "Oh wait, did you just say WON, THE MYSTERIOUS TRAVELLING SALESMAN?"

"Yes. I did just say WON, THE MYSTERIOUS TRAVELLING SALESMAN. He's turning his apples into youma!" Mary revealed.

As if on cue, Won laughed manically and announced his plan. "Once my apples defeat those awful Mineral Senshi, I'll be sure to get a promotion. How do you like them apples?"

"How do you like them apples, and the apples are the youma!" Popuri giggled. "Mary, do you get it? Because he just turned the apples he was selling into -"

"I get it," Mary said flatly.

Popuri calmed herself down. "I guess we should transform now, huh?" Mary nodded her agreement. "Too bad the henshin sticks were in my purse… and my purse blew up. I guess you could say my purse was SAUCED." Popuri started laughing uncontrollably.

Mary looked at her friend strangely. "I wouldn't say that at all. That wasn't even a pun, let alone funny." Mary's words were lost on Popuri as the pink haired girl fell to the ground and rolled around, laughing harder and harder.

Won heard Popuri laughing and turned around. "Gah! How long have the two of you been standing there?"

"Long enough," Mary said as she stared him down. "Your game is over, Won. We caught on to your plan and we're here to stop you."

"But Mary, you have no involvement in this matter. Are you trying to be some kind of superhero? I mean, let's face it… you're no Sailor Bookmark, that's for sure." Won tried to reason.

"I AM Sailor Bookmark, you moron!" Mary hissed.

"No you're not. Sailor Bookmark doesn't have glasses!" Won shot back at the librarian. Mary rolled her eyes and took off her glasses. Won gasped in shock. "You ARE Sailor Bookmark!"

Mary pointed at Won. "Your war will meet my peace! Your pride will fall to my prejudice! I will murder you on the Orient Express! In the name of all things literary, Sailor Bookmark will throw the book at you!"

"Is that so? Well, not if I can help it! Apples, attack!" Just as Won called on them, the apples appeared and tackled Mary down. Their leaves grew out into vines that wrapped themselves tightly around her body, binding her. "They're zapping the energy out of you and injecting you with hormones… hormones that will turn YOU into an apple as well."

Mary's face twisted in confusion. "What? That doesn't even make sense!"

"It doesn't have to," Won countered. "Just what in this story actually makes sense?"

Mary paused, puzzled by his question. "I… you're right." Mary sighed sadly. The vines were draining the energy out of her and there was nothing she could do. She couldn't even be logical anymore. Weakly, she turned to Popuri and whispered for her friend to help her. Unfortunately for Mary, Popuri was too wrapped up laughing at her own jokes to notice. "Popuri," the girl called weakly, "please… set me free. It's taking over… I can feel it… I'm becoming… one of THEM."

Popuri stopped laughing and looked at her friend softly. Maybe Mary had finally gotten through to her? "Oh, MARY. I always knew we were the perfect PEAR!" With that said, the girl continued to laugh hysterically.

Everyone, including the youma, stopped to stare at Popuri in disbelief. "We're Apples," one of the youma spoke up. Popuri finally stopped laughing and started coughing up blood. Her sides began to hurt and she felt winded. "Oh, I need to lay down. Mary, you'll handle this, right?"

Mary was starting to stiffen. "You… fuck… ing… bitch." The vines shocked her but she was too far gone to feel the pain.

Won grinned. He knew just the thing to say to put Popuri completely out of commission. "You know, I guess what they say is true. One bad apple spoils the bunch."

Popuri was hurled into another fit of laughter until she collapsed. The Apples stretched their vines out and aided her fall, binding her as well.

"Yoohoo, girls!" Ann trilled, pushing open the door to the inn. "I baked a you an 'I hope you left the inn safely' pie, and -"

She was surprised to see Mary and Popuri on the ground, wrapped in vines and being shocked by the mutant Apples. "Oh my God! This is appalling!"

"APPALLING!" laughed Popuri in agony. "It… sounds… like… apples!"

"Uh… okay, this is shocking."

"SHOCK! They're… shocking… us!"

"Shut… the… fuck… up!" gasped Mary in between blasts of apple hormones.

"Oh, no, what do I do?" fretted Ann, looking around for help. A red glowing mark appeared on her forehead in the shape of an Apple. Noticing the bizarre formation, Mary took the opportunity to slide a pocket dictionary out of her dress.

"Bookmark Blast!" she called, hurling the book through the swaths of vines. She rolled away anaemically, and crawled over to Ann. "Ann… take this… henshin stick… and transform… into… Sailor…"

"Sailor whom?" Ann asked.

"Sailor Doormat!" Popuri yelled from her entanglement. Mary was too weak to put up any objections.

"Because… I'm welcoming. Like a welcome mat," Ann rationalized, knowingly lying to herself. "Okay, that works. Doormat Power, Make-Up!"

Ann spun quickly, overlaid by a sea of pastry. Apple pies, blackberry pies, shepherd's pies - all manners of pie. If it wasn't pie, it was made of pie. A Taj Mahal made of pie served as the backdrop. The equation for pi would have floated behind her, if it wasn't too conceptual - this was literal. Pie, not pi. Only pie.

"Sailor Doormat is here!" she announced dramatically, her overalls blowing in the wind because she was too much of a spunky tomboy with a heart of gold to wear a skirt like the rest of them. "In the name of the Doormat, I will punish you - if you're okay with that!"

The Apples shot out their vines, but Doormat swiftly dodged. She handsprung over and freed Popuri from her appley bondage, and asked in a panic, "how do I attack this thing?"

The girl shrugged. "I don't know. Barley would usually be here to tell us what to do. Improvise, I guess."

Ann turned and gave the Apples a menacing look. "I guess I'll have to take care of this myself.

"Evildoers, prepare to meet your demise!"

The scene went black, then faded into a shot of Tuxedo Bandanna holding a rose and standing atop Won's stand. "I stand for love and justice, and in the name of--" he was cut off when Sailor Doormat threw a barstool at his head, knocking him to the ground. The angry barmaid then proceeded to beat him with the barstool until he was unconscious, and several minutes afterward.

"Ann, maybe you should concentrate on -" Popuri put in, but Doormat had already ripped one of the support beams out of Won's apple stand and was beating Tuxedo Bandanna about the face with it. When she was content that he wasn't getting up, she turned her fiery gaze on the apples. Won rolled his eyes.

"Can we hurry this along, here? I have an orphanage to burn down at four," he moaned.

"Oh, you'll get yours, you mysterious travelling salesman!" Ann threatened.

"Not this time, Sailor Senshi!" Won cackled, throwing down a smoke bomb. Some moments later they heard the door to the winery close and saw Won through the window. Sailor Doormat shrugged it off and returned to the task at hand.

"Now, to beat these apples to a pulp!" She turned expectantly to Popuri.

"I don't get it," she shrugged.

"Meet my fists of fury!" Ann shrieked, punching an apple in the nose with a sickening crack. As she laid into the things, it became increasingly clear that they were as filled with gore and bone as any other Youma they'd faced so far. Still, Sailor Doormat's unbridled rage wouldn't let her stop, so pretty soon they were shapeless fleshy sacs. As Mary rose to her feet, she and Popuri looked on in rapt horror as Ann beat the Youma to death with her bare fists.

In the bushes, Chef looked over at the girls. "Damn. I guess the new Senshi wasn't the Princess after all. But who-" He noticed the look on Popuri's face. "Of course! Those pink lips! That vacant stare! Those gigantic red eyes! Popuri is… I have to tell the Goddess!" He scampered away from the massacre as quickly as his legless body could carry him.

The last Apple had been bludgeoned. At the end, Sailor Doormat detransformed, let out a contented sigh and lit up a cigarette. "Oh, wow. That felt good." She turned to her new partners. "I guess I'm a Senshi, too, now, just like you guys."

"That was… pretty brutal," Popuri stammered. Mary twitched.

Ann seemed nonplussed, however, grinning heartily in spite of the demon cartilage all over her face. "It sure was, Popuri. It sure was." She put her arms around her friends' shoulders. "Now, who's up for some 'victory' pies?" She laughed, turned to the camera, and winked.

And then they turned into a drawing.

-

"You wretched prick!"

The Goddess' spittle flew into Chef's face. Now missing both his legs, he had dragged his stump up to the Holy Throne to receive what would be his final berating. He winced at the deity's anger.

"You puke. You fucking puke. You're a useless little gnome and your outfit looks like dried up period blood." She knocked him over and dug her heel into his chest as he screamed in pain. "Your stupid flower monster didn't work! Your stupid book monster didn't work! And apples? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?"

"Your highness, I beg of you!" he sobbed. "Give me one more chance! One more! I know the identity of the Flower Princess!"

"Bullshit!" she shrieked back. "And even if you do, I'm not going to listen to you, because even though that would be more beneficial to me in the long run, I have an image to maintain: that of a cold-hearted bitch who decides that her incompetent minions have finally failed for the last time as soon as they have knowledge of the Flower Princess' secret identity. Now shut up and die!" With a twist of her heel, she snuffed out the cigarette butt of Chef's life for good.

"Second general!" she commanded, dragging the soles of her shoes against the edge of the steps leading to her throne to scrape off the elf corpse. A small figure, wider than Chef, appeared in the shadows.

"Yes, my queen." The mysterious figure's voice was every bit as questionable - deep and alluring. His eyes glowed from within the darkness.

"You are to be Chef's replacement. You are my new general. I trust you will not replicate his failures," the Harvest Goddess purred. From the shadows, a chuckle echoed.

"Worry not, your highness. I shall not fall below the threshold of incompetence set by my late predecessor. After all, I-"

"Would you STEP OUT OF THE FUCKING SHADOWS? I can't see you!" The hag turned her halogen desk lamp on the purple tunic clad elf, causing him to wince and see spots. "Oh, Jesus Christ, it's fucking Bold. I give him two episodes, tops."

"I, uh… Your Highness, I will exceed your expectations by-"

"I don't _care_," moaned the Goddess in boredom. She hurled her desk lamp in Bold's general direction. It shattered against the wall, plunging the room back into relative darkness. He took advantage of the situation and scuttled away quickly.

The Harvest Goddess looked into her crystal ball.

"Soon, Flower Princess… your day is coming soon…"

-

**END**

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**End Credits:** Another episode in the can. Probably our least restrained episode yet, and as a result, my favourite.

So, Ann's with the team now. We started off hating to write her but once we added in her homicidal, abusive side, everything fell right into place. Popuri's at her bitchiest and stupidest this chapter, and Mary serves her usual position as the logic, horrified by the actions of the other characters. We welcome Won and Bold as new villains, and say a sad goodbye to Chef. A moment of mourning.

Keep reviewing, and stay tuned for the next story: **Episode 104: Mother's Day Madness! The Appearance of the Slutty Senshi**. Peace.

-QW


End file.
